Imagine a couple taking a walk down the beach. You’ve seen them… walking side by side…talking with each other. They started at the same place… and the ended at the same place.
When you walk together financially with your spouse… it’s as beautiful as walking down a beach together. You start on the same page… you both know what your financial situation looks like… you both know what your goals are and you both agree on the steps to reach those goals.
When a couple does not talk about money.. does not have the same goals… does not have the same methods.. does not start in the same place with the same information… how can they possible walk together in agreement? The outside observer will witness one partner walking north and the other partner walking south. They are so far away that they can’t possibly HEAR each other.
What happens when a couple doesn’t communicate? They start living separate lives under one roof. There is division…disunity…it opens the door for financial infidelity…and it causes pain. But it doesn’t have to be this way.. because a couple can learn how to communicate financially.
Let’s take a classic example of a Spender/Saver relationship. He’s a spender… She’s a saver… He likes to have fun, and buy gifts for people… She like’s to have cash on hand and cannot stand wasting money.
At first this couple clashes big time: He calls her a tightwad… she calls him a child.. He says she is no fun at all… she says he’ll spend all the money until they’re broke. They are focused on each others flaws…and the negativity continues until their both start walking in different directions financially.. and then communication completely stops.
Instead… if they focus on each others STRENGTHS… they can then realize their OWN flaws… and work together to walk along the same path.
He can realize that she DOES like to have fun… she just doesn’t want to pay FULL PRICE for fun. So he can say to her.. “Honey.. I’d like to go to this water park.. are they running any specials?”. This gets HER excited, because she loves deals. So they start planning a trip to the water park when it doesn’t cost an arm and a leg.
She can realize that he’s not wasteful, but generous! She realizes his gift giving for what it is..and she can also realize the joy in giving to others. So she starts finding ways to buy gifts for less. He doesn’t mind buying gifts cheap… because now he can buy more gifts than he used to.
So if you’re in financial discord with your partner…try to understand what strengths your partner has…and focus on those instead of their flaws. Start being honest with your partner in what you’re doing too, and if you need help.. ask for it.
Two people can’t walk together unless they agree. They have to agree on where to start, what pace to walk, and where they are going. Walking together financially is a beautiful thing. Just like a walk down the beach.
What are your thoughts?
David,
What happens when a couple doesn’t communicate? They fall apart, this is true in the financial area of a couple life as much as in any other area as well.
I totally agree with you in embracing our differences and realizing the positive benefits we can bring on the table. I think we all just have a problem with pride: individually, we think that our way for everything is better then anybody’s else way. When couples embrace their differences they both benefit from it and as a couple they will flourish. Having a common financial plan is a really important part of a healthy relationship.
Pride DOES get in the way of a lot of things.. It causes people to hold onto things longer than they should. An example of this would be a falling stock, people hold onto it in disbelief.. they HOPE it will turn around and pride prevents them from wanting to look like a failure. So they keep it, and watch the values drop to nothing. Another scenario is a being unable to pay your mortgage anymore. When all evidence points to the fact that you must downsize or short sale.. it’s PRIDE that keep people in their homes under stress, and then they get a foreclosure notice..
A husband and wife MUST communicate about financial matters.. it’s THAT important.
My wife and I are mostly in agreement on our finacial plan. We both want to pay down our debts. However, we do tend to have disagreements when it comes to big ticket purchases.
I have a plan to be out of debt in 4 years. I have created a cash flow plan that tracks how our money gets allocated in each pay period. It allows me to tackle my debts very aggressively without putting the family in any finacial hardship.
Meanwhile, my wife is getting on with her role of managing the household day to day. She regularily comes to me with ideas on things that need to be upgraded or replaced. Most of the time they are good ideas, but they tend to come too fast and furious for the budget to handle.
I find it hard sometimes to decide whether she is being too unrealistic in her expectations for our lifestyle, or if I am being too tight fisted. It is probably a little of both.
In any case, we communicate constantly about our finances so it has not been a huge issue to date. We have differences of opinion, but we don’t fight. Each of us seems to know that there has to be give and take. neither person can get what they want all the time.
As an aside, I have learned that I should show at least a little resistance to her plans (even if I recognize that they are really good) because it tends to give her incentive to shop around and make the deal more attractive to me, or to reconsider the timing of it.
One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t implement ALL the good ideas that you come up with, and there is NO rush. You have many years to create the home of your dreams and it doesn’t have to be done all at once.
Best thing I can say.. is write it all down.. and ask her to prioritize the project list. Then when she has a new great idea.. ask her to add it to the list.
Some things need to be taken care of right away.. like a leaky faucet in the kitchen (I’m guilty there!).
See if it’s acceptable to do 1 project per month or per payday…and have them all be spaced out over the next few months.
This way you don’t have big spikes in your budget because you had a big “project” week.
Congratulations on having a plan.. and for being in good communication with your wife on money matters.
My husband and I have not always been on one accord concerning finances. We were raised with different ideals and seemed to be total opposites in terms of financial goals, but when we started looking at each others strengths we began to see that our styles complimented the others style.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned as a wife is to be honest about all of my spending habits no matter how small and to disagree respectfully. We when we stopped trying to manage our finances the way our parents taught us and started following Gods plan we opened ourselves up a new perspective. Putting God’s biblical principles first in our finances has solved a lot of problems.
My wife and I also use each others strengths. We don’t always agree either, but we can respectfully talk about a prospective financial decision and we try not to make a rash decision.
Our parents do the best they can.. but the perfect role model for how to use our finances is God.
Most people don’t know this, but the Bible has more to say about MONEY than any other subject.
Glad to know that you and your husband are on the same page, Saidah!
Visualizations were a big help to my fiancé and I during our last major spending round. We needed to get an apartment and but eeeverything for it. With a set amount of money to work with, I wrote a little web app to show the distributions and track purchases. Each day during the push, we’d look at it and discuss what we’re seeing; things over, things under, where we could save, what could be reallocated. Being open was key, and having the go-to source for the numbers really kept us on the same page. Even when there was still a lot that needed to be done, we slept comfortably knowing that we’d sufficiently covered the bases. In the end, we were a bit over the original budget, but foresight on our part built in a $1K buffer that could be tapped in to.
The whole experience brought us closer together. We have a wedding to plan now, and I feel this little app might have to get gain a feature or two to assist us once again. This could probably be done with a spreadsheet just as easily, but web apps are my thing
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Spreadsheet…. App… Pen and Paper… which is best? The one that works FOR YOU! The more important thing you did was to talk it over with your fiancé. This is a great habit to get into and it will keep you closer together throughout your marriage. Good job man!
BTW.. will the App work on my phone?
My wife and I don’t see eye to eye on anything when it comes to money. She makes all her money and spends it however she wants. She pays her bills and I pay mine. This seems to work for us but we have a lot of debt.
Jason.. I don’t know how long you’ve been married… but it seems to me that having HIS/HER bills and HIS/HER money is going to eventually cause a rift between the two of you. Could it be that you don’t trust each other with your accounts enough to have a joint account?
In my experience.. money issues ARE a symptom of other relationship issues. By keeping your finances separate from hers.. it makes me wonder what else is divided too.
While it might appear to work for you right now.. I can’t honestly say I’d continue down that road.